Love being pregnant?...sorry calling BS

  All of you ladies who claim you just LOVE being pregnant...you are all LIARS!  Well for at least the first trimester at least:)  I mean sure...it's so exciting to see that second pink line appear...or in my case you think it is there but its so faint you can't tell because you took the test 5 days early on the first possible day it might turn pink...so you look at it from different angles, in different lighting...take a picture with your phone and send it to friends to see if they can see the second line.  Then you proceed to take a test every single day for the next week until that line is bright pink...then yes...time to relax (HA YEAH RIGHT) I am indeed pregnant!  Ok...I am only going to tell Scott...and immediate family..and close friends.....and maybe this person...and that person...but that's it!  Hmmm...well at least I didn't put it on Facebook right away!
  So anyway...the line turns pink.  I was out of my mind excited.  Thanking God every chance I could for this chance to have another baby.  This pregnancy is going to be amazing!  I am going to live it up.  I am going to eat super healthy, work out, I am going to feel great!  Then week 5 hits...and this part ladies...you ladies who say they just LOVE being pregnant...this part is why I am calling B.S.!!  Let's start with all those fun pregnancy symptoms...the ones you dread yet if you don't have them you think something is wrong...oh wait that is just me?  Hmm.
  It wasn't long after I found out I was prego I noticed something strange.  Apparently several men forgot about human anatomy....my eyes are about 8 inches north from where you are looking sir!  Oh yes...a perk (pun intended) of pregnancy?  My own personal porn star boobs!  I mean these things are awesome.  Well that is...until I move.  What is this nonsense!?  This must be what if feels like to get kicked in the balls right guys?  I feel webmd.com needs to get with the program.  "Sore and tender breasts are one of the first symptoms of pregnancy."  Well that is an understatement. I thought I would take these first few months enjoying sleeping on my stomach...well forget that!  I mean seriously...my poor husband....here I am waving this huge things around...yes darling I know they look amazing but if you try to touch them I WILL CUT YOU.  Maybe that is God's sense of justice.  I mean lets be honest...when it comes to pregnancy..other then our extreme mood swings (I will get to that soon) the men get off easy (pun intended again).  Except for these big, beautiful, yet very forbidden fruit(s) right in front of them...you can look but you can't touch!  Wha wha.  Joke is on you son.
  Remember how I said I was going to eat healthy and work out and feel great....well this little nugget had other plans.  Morning sickness also reared its ugly head.  And I have to say this is the worst I have had it.  Although I have never thrown up (knock on wood its still early) I CONSTANTLY felt sick.  From 5 weeks up until today (10 weeks...although I am not posting this till next week hehe).  If I am not sick from an empty stomach...I am sick from being full.  Or I am neither hungry nor full and just feel hung over meets motion sick.  The really fun part is when people who don't know you are pregnant comment.  "Gee Jenn you don't look so good are you ok?"  "Oh you know just had a little too much fun last night if you know what I mean (yeah right I wish!).."  "It's Tuesday morning"  "Yeah well Jesus turned water into wine and all that..." shake my head...what can I say the flu excuse only works like once.  And when did it become ok for someone to point out when another doesn't look so great...like I don't already know that.  Why don't you just say it like it is...Jenn  you look like shit.  Yup.  I do.  Thanks.  You know what else sucks?  All those pregnancy magazines with these beautiful woman eating celery and talking about their healthy diet with a big old smile on their face flashing those $5,000 veneers while I sit on the couch stuffing my face with a bagel because that is the only thing that will make me feel better reading all about what I should be eating.  Those bitches. You really expect me to believe for one second you survived the first trimester on celery and tomato juice?  Carbs.  Carbs are a first tri mamas best friend...;.at least this momma.  My hubby and boys were thrilled when all sorts of fun stuff showed up in the house and on the dinner table....bagels, home made bread (ok that was really Scott's idea), pasta, pizza, cheese (that's normal I can't lie) and brownie ice cream sundaes!  I TRIED to be healthy.  I swear I did.  I even bought whole wheat saltine crackers...which by the way are worthless...they taste terrible and they crumble...stick to regular ladies.  I force myself to eat fruit and veggies...but that is in between all the carbs.  And whoever said cravings aren't until the third trimester was seriously misinformed.  Around week 7 even carbs sounded gross at time.  All of a sudden my stomach started acting like a demanding, petulant 3 year old.  Yes you want a bagel...but it has to be a cinnamon raisin bagel...nothing else.  It got so bad that Iwhile trying to figure our what to make for dinner everything I thought of made me gag I decided to go to the grocery store and walk around until something jumped out and my stomach agreed.  Roast beef au jus!  Yes!  OH WAIT.  You can't eat lunch meat Stockwell!  It's on the never ending list of things you can't eat.  I am sorry but I thought pregnancy was supposed to be the time in a woman's life when she could eat what she wants! (shut up naggy perfect celery eating magazine lady)  Since when did pregnancy come with a 500 page rule book?  I get it.  No alcohol.  No drugs.  No smoking.  Nothing raw.  Duh.  That is a no brainer.  But no lunch meat?  Hot dogs?  HERBAL TEA?  As if pregnant women don't already have enough to worry about.  Now we have to consult the rule book on everything we put in our mouths?  Why yes hunny I would love some coffee but can you make sure you make it just right so there are only 200 mg of caffine in it?  Thanks.  How about I just drink water for the next nine months...just to be safe.  But only bottled water that has received an A grade from the FDA.  PSH.  AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!  Or another irritating food issue...when something sounds great and then a few hours later sounds awful...that one time (or several) when your awesome husband spends an hour cooking the spicy shrimp you just HAD to have...and just as he finishes your stomach decides the only thing it is going to eat is kraft mac and cheese.  Sorry hunny I love you!
  Weight gain.  I gained way more than the "advised weight" in the first trimester with both of my boys...thanks to all those carbs.  So I made it a goal to gain the least amount of weight during the first trimester...because I really don't want to hear the doctor tell me I need to slow the weight gain down....side note...I feel male doctors should not get a vote on weight gain.  You go 12 weeks craving carbs and being too sick and tired to work out and then we will talk about what is good weight gain...I am growing a human here...no vagina?  NO VOTE!   I AM TRYING HERE!  When I first found out I was pregnant I had just started yoga in addition to my regular 5 day workout...so that helped.  I was feeling so good and so excited once again that I was going to be one of those fit prego ladies...like in the magazines...again..bitches..see what I could do with photoshop!!!  .But see here is the little secret...morning sickness and fatigue are evil best friends with weight gain!  So week 5 hits and all of a sudden...I think to myself "self...how in the world are you going to go running feeling like this!?"  Thinking about putting one foot in front of the other is exhausting let alone actually doing it.  I mean I just worked all day...I should get a pass right...wrong.  In my head I knew I would feel better if I went for a run or to yoga...so most days..lucky for me I was able to do so.  And I usually felt better after.  Usually.  Along with weight gain comes another famous part of pregnancy...the in between pants.  Come on girls you know what I am talking about...that awkward stage between 10 and 15 weeks where your pre-prego pants are getting too tight but you aren't big enough for maternity clothes...or maybe you are but you don't want to give in...kinda like turning on the heat in October.  It's annoying and uncomfortable!  And you just want to scream "I am not just getting fat I am pregnant!"  But at the same time you might not be ready to share your news...yea fun times!  Well I can one up you...I am defiantly in the in between pants stage...but I go from A.M. to P.M!  I fit in them in the morning but man by the end of the work day BRING ON THOSE SWEATPANTS!  Thank goodness I only work until 3 everyday!  My poor husband hardly sees me dressed up...but hey maybe that will counteract those viscous big beautiful breast he can't touch HA!  (No I am pretty sure nothing deters men from that!)   But seriously...enough with the pressure doctors/crazy celery eating magazine ladies....our bodies are designed to carry a baby...and our body knows what it needs to do to carry that baby successfully...including what it wants to eat, whether or not its too tired to exercise...and how much weight it needs to gain.  I'm gonna roll with it...or at least try...
  Mood swings...during pregnancy...I AM A CRAZY PERSON...(ok and maybe slightly neurotic outside of pregnancy...).  But seriously these moods swings are out of control.  It has got to the point where Scott and the boys just start laughing at me.  At least I am aware of it...how many times have I said "I am totally aware I am over reacting and there is nothing I can do to stop it!  It's like I am floating above my body looking down on this crazy woman and shaking my head!  But at the same time I am aware I am over reacting...I DON'T CARE!"  Ask Logan and Gavin!  They will tell you about floating mom watching crazy mom!  LOL.  Then a few minutes later I am laughing right along with Scott and the boys...thank goodness for a sense of humor or this emotional roller coaster would totally win the war!
  So moving on...a small riddle...what is worse then a controlling hypochondriac?  Give up?  A PREGNANT controlling hypochondriac!   I bet I have called the doctor's office on average 3 times a week since I got pregnant.  About anything and everything!  One would think I was a first time mom.  No scratch that I am worse then a first time mom.  I actually called the nurse one day because I was feeling fine and I thought something was wrong because I didn't feel sick.  A friend actually said to me "wait you are calling the doctor because you feel fine!?"  I wouldn't be surprised if there was a running joke about me at the doctor's office..."Hey nurses Stockwell is on line 1...rock, paper, scissors?"  Yes I know I am a bit excessive...HOWEVER in my defense...when you suffer the loss of a baby in the late first trimester out of nowhere being pregnant again is extremely scary.  At least for me.  So naturally I am doing whatever I can to "make sure" everything is ok....when in reality...there is absolutely nothing I can do.  Honestly I think God is up in Heaven getting a big old belly laugh at me and my thinking I can control any of this!  Or thinking I know what is going to happen.  Case in point.  We had an early ultrasound.  When we went in the doctor couldn't see an embryo and said at that point based on how far along I was and my high hormone levels there was a 50/50 chance I had a "blighted ovum" which means the gestational sac forms but an embryo never does.  I was to come back in a week to see if anything developed.  So of course I was crushed.  But I convinced myself that having a miscarriage that early or having a condition where no baby every formed was far better then going through what I went through the last time.  So I prepared myself (convinced myself) for the worst.   A week later we went in for another ultrasound and there was a little peanut with a strong heartbeat.  "Who is really in control Jenn.  See what I can do in the face of contrary evidence.  Relax,  Have faith.  Trust me. No matter what.  I got this!  I've got you." -God.
  I went into this pregnancy convinced that I was going to do everything a certain way.  The way I put it I was going to do this pregnancy "the right way".  While feeling awful one night, laying on the couch since I got home from work, unable to help get the boys ready for bed, make lunches, anything I texted a friend.  "I feel completely useless!  I can't do anything!  I was going to do this pregnancy the right way!  Have lots of energy, workout, eat right...MAKE ALL THAT COOL STUFF ON PINTEREST!  Instead I am feeling sick and exhausted and stuffing bread down my throat!  I am so scared something is going to go wrong!  I can't enjoy this right now!"  And her response "Calm down.  First of all..you aren't useless...your are GROWING A HUMAN.  Second...there is no right way to be pregnant.  Your way is the right way for your body."
  Oh wise words.  It is not in my control.  None of it. There are going to be days where I feel "useless" and that's ok....I am growing a human.  There are going to be days where I can't workout because I feel too sick....that's ok I am growing a human.  I am going to be moody (ok that's an understatement...more like DUCK AND RUN!)...that's ok I am growing a human.  There are going to be ups there are going to be downs...there is no right way to be pregnant.  It's ok.  It's ok.  Pregnancy comes with all sorts of mysteries, absolutely no guarantees and is 100% out of my control.   The only guarantee I have...God's got this.  And really that is the best guarantee anyone can ask for.  Is it easy to let go?  No.  Is it easy to face unknown.  No.  Is it easy to stop worrying?  No.  But I am going to try.  God has got this.
 So do I LOVE being pregnant?  Hello were we paying attention?  Pregnancy brings all sorts of unpleasantness...from morning sickness, fatigue, cravings and aversions...worry....to mood swings, a bladder that doesn't care if you are sleeping or in the middle of work, church, your favorite T.V. show...worry...stretch marks, varicose veins, inability to take deep breathes, worry, knocking things over with a giant belly, head aches, back aches, leg aches...CAN I JUST GET THE EPIDURAL NOW?:)  No I do NOT LOVE being pregnant!!!  BUT...would I trade it for anything...nope,  Am I unbelievably blessed to experience being pregnant.  Absolutely.  Am I so unbelievably excited and grateful to be pregnant.  100%.  Am I going to enjoy this time as much as I can to the fullest.  You bet I am.  It's all worth it.  Hands down 100,000% worth it.  Because even with all the downsides, pregnancy is a blessing, a miracle.  Pregnancy is the ultimate marathon.,...that unfortunately you cannot train for!    From the moment you find out you are pregnant, through all of the first trimester crap, from hearing the heartbeat for the first time and lets be honest..every time...to feeling that first little flutter...from the first time your hubby can feel the baby kick...to finding out the gender (for some of us:)...from Braxton Hicks contractions, to talking about names, guessing the birth date, painting the nursery, buying squishy cute little outfits, to the labor...and then...the most amazing gift anyone could imagine.  My baby.  This beautiful little human that God designed and God helped me grow.  This precious little life that God entrusted to me.   Pure Joy.  A indescribable, unconditional love.  God never said life would be easy.  And He never said pregancy and child bearing would be easy...in fact He said it would be painful...THANKS A LOT EVE!  But He did promise that he would be with us every step of the journey.  That when we are weak He is strong.  He has a plan.  He wrote my story.  And this chapter in my story...with all it's ups and downs...it's joys and worries...this chapter in my story is going to be amazing.  It's a blessing.  A miracle.  And at the end of this marathon....my heart is going to get to be filled with love for a precious little baby.  There is no greater gift, no greater blessing then getting to be a mom.....again:)
.  "See Jenn?  I told you I've got this."-God.
Little baby Stockwell....I am so excited to be on this journey with you.  Your daddy, your big brothers and your mommy can't wait to meet you!  Be Blessed.

What am I going to do with my one wild and precious life.

 Anyone who knows me knows 30 was not  a welcomed birthday.  I know I know its silly.  But the idea of not being in my 20s anymore was not something I handled well.  I was all thinking I'm not young anymore blah blah blah. It was like having a midlife crisis yet I was far from midlife.  And I don't know why that was...but I have a few ideas.  I was a young mom.  Now let me be clear.  I was experiencing my own story.  I was living first smiles, laughs, roll overs, steps.  All things I never would trade for all the 20 something experiences I could have had.  I have no regrets about having a child young and being a young mom.  It was amazing and I wouldn't change a thing if I could turn the clock back.  But somehow when facing 30 I felt like I missed out on something.  And I feel really guilty about feeling that way.
It is said you cannot change the past.  You can only look forward.  Thank God for that!  Literally. Again I am not saying I regret my past but I do regret wasting some of the beautiful time I was given because I was too wrapped up in something else.  Cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, worrying.
 Thank God for giving us a future.  Because where I stand I am not sure I did the best I could in my last 30 years.  I made a lot of mistakes.  I was selfish, self centered, ignorant and at some points a spoiled brat.  But the good news is I have tomorrow, and the next day, week, years.
So here is the thing....I worry...about everything...from what I say, to how I act, to something bad happening, to having a health issue.  But at the end of the day IT DOESN'T MATTER.  I am not in control.
I have spent so much of my life trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be.  Trying to live up to pleasing people.  Trying to fit into their mold.  And worrying.  Waiting for the next shoe to drop. In my next 30 years...No more! (Yeah I know easier said then done)
 At church today the pastor asked "what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Unfortunately I have done things I am not proud of.  We all have.  I have been selfish.  I have been unkind.  I have been more frustrated about things I shouldn't have.  I have been judgmental.   I have worried,  worried, worried.  About everything.  I worry I'm not doing everything I can as a wife or a mom.  Goodness I go to bed some nights feeling like a failure as a mom.  Maybe I am not alone it this (I am really hoping I am not! LOL)  But I have to constantly remind myself that I am not a friend I am a parent.  And that can be really hard.  Really hard. I feel like I am always disciplining and while I know it's an important part of raising kids...maybe I need to pick my battles a little bit more often. I have two amazing kids.   I don't know about the rest of you moms but sometimes I feel like I take my kids for granted.  Like I am missing out on them being little.  Maybe that is because I know they are only going to be little for so long and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  But if feel like too often I am saying no to games because I have to do the dishes, the laundry, grocery shop, dust, vacuum.  Come on....that can't be all being a mom is about?  I need to take a moment and just stop and really see my children because they are my everything.  They are everything that matters.  A simple game of Sorry means everything to them....and I have been too wrapped up in other things to see that I should be paying more attention to those little things my children love...they don't care if the sink and dishes are clean...they don't care about dust and vacuuming....that is all me.
It is time to stop worrying.  So many people have told me worry is pointless because it doesn't change anything. I am aware.   I do not wake up every morning thinking...gee how am I going to worry myself out of my mind today.  I don't want to worry!  I don't choose worry.  I have spent way too much time believing worry chooses me.  For example...  Two years ago I had a miscarriage.  Scott and I want to extend our family now.  I am terrified.  I cannot go through that again.   But see here is the thing.  It is not in my control.  I know that in my head.  But my heart well that is an entirely different story.  I need to just put all of it in God's hands.  Its already there anyway (thank goodness), I just need to trust it.  Trust Him.
 Since May 19 and I turned the "dreaded" 30 I wanted to put my feelings into words.  But I didn't quite know what I was feeling or how to say it.  It wasn't until church this morning, it wasn't until I was asked "what are you going to to with this ONE wild and precious life?" that I figured it out!  I want to live an even more beautiful amazing life then I had in the past.
 It is time to just be me.  To be confident.  To stop worrying about every little thing I think, say or do.  To stop worrying.  To STOP WORRYING.  I am who I am and my life is in God's hands.  I need to embrace that.  And I need to stop letting everything else get in the way.
My next 30 years? How am I going to spend this ONE wild and precious life.  I choose to be happy.  To trust God more  I choose to love, give, be the best mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter I can be.  It is time to stop worrying about the household chores and take a time out to play a game of yahtzee with the kids.   It is harder said then done.  I am going to screw up.  That's life.  I am not perfect.  And I never will be.  It is time to accept that everyone else can love me for the flawed person I am just like I love people for the flawed people they are.  It is time to embrace that I have a lot to offer.  I have a big heart.  I love people.  I want only good for those I love.So how am I going to live my one wild precious life?  Well for starters I am going to start living for others rather then myself.
What am I going to do with this ONE wild and precious life? I am going to love, forgive, and accept.  I am going to keep my husband and children the center of my life.  I am going to put away the cleaning solution and vacuum and play some yahtzee.  I am going to get off web md and get on my praying knees.  I am going to stop judging myself, stop second guessing, STOP WORRYING.    God gave me this amazing beautiful life.  I need to trust Him with me.  With my life.  With my marriage.  My kids.  I am going to laugh more often, To say yes.  It is time to start living one of my favorite quotes "Be who you are and say how you feel. Because those who mind don't matter....and those who matter don't mind"  Or in one of my favorite comedies "We're the Millers" terms..."you do you". :) Love, laugh, mess up, forgive others, forgive yourself, trust, learn, live. Grow up...but don't lose your youth. You do you.  Be blessed.

A season for everything

"1. There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. 2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. 4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6 A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. 8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace."  Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8.
Seasons.  Its why we live in Michigan right?  I am not going to lie.  I am hating this season right now.  HATE.  Not just the actual season of winter and its seemingly endlessness....its got us in is dead cold clutches.  But the season of pain.  I feel like right now, not only for me but for the people around me we are stuck in the time to tear down, the time to throw away, the time to turn away, the time to be quiet, to hate, to cry, to die.  A season of fear, questioning, longing.  Stress.  Frustration. Anger.  Betrayal.  I know it sounds like something straight out of Macbeth.  But seriously...it just keeps coming.  One thing after the other.  Whoever came up with the phrase "waiting for the other shoe to drop" didn't realize the thing wearing the shoes might be a centipede because man the shoes keep on dropping.  And it is exhausting.  Emotionally, mentally and physically.  Let me give you a little background.
Last week two high school students passed away from Grandville high school.  It was tragic. Both of these students were amazing individuals.  A 15 year old girl who battled cancer and instead of sitting back and letting the cancer control her she stood up against it.  She used her experience to bring hope to others. Four days before she died of an infection she was at one of our elementary schools talking about her cancer, her fight and her hope.  Giving hope to everyone around her.  The loss of Alyssa hit the community hard.  Then later in the week Ryan Fischer, a bright, loving student passed away in his sleep from an enlarged heart.  He was the captain of the varsity hockey team and football team.  He was going to go to West Point.  His death came as a shock and it rocked the community once again. I cannot even imagine what the family and friends of these students are going through.  I cannot imagine losing one of my children.  Both funerals were held this week.  You could feel the fog of sadness hanging over the community, over all the students and staff.  It was heartbreaking to see the students dressed up on Wednesday and knowing they were attending the second funeral of a peer that week. It is just unfathomable to me.  
Cancer.  There are so many people I "know" battling cancer...some for the second time.  The principle of our high school was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago.   This also came as a shock.  He is an amazing man.  He is young.  He has young kids.  He was a mentor to Scott both as a student and as a future teacher.  He has a huge heart and has such dedication to his staff and students.  An awesome woman I see frequently in our building subbing for paras or for secretaries recently found out her cancer is back...after only six months of being in remission.  She is an individual who is always so positive and has a smile on her face.  A 7th grade student in our school was just diagnosed with a cancer so rare she is the first person her gender, ethnicity and age in the entire country to contract this cancer.  Alyssa, the 15 year old girl who passed last week fought cancer, went into remission last year, and then relapsed just a couple of months ago.  I can't imagine the fear these people must be experiencing.  They have spouses, kids, the middle school student hasn't even had a chance to really live yet...Alyssa never got to go to collage, get married, have kids.  Cancer causes so much pain.  
Family. Family can be the biggest blessing as well as the biggest challenge.  After all...those who are closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most.  Betrayal, disappointment, emptiness, grief.  Divorce.  Pain people cannot get past, cannot forget, cannot forgive.  I am not going to go in depth about these issues but let me just say my husband and I have learned that physically leaving this earth is not the only way someone can die.  Life can affect people in such a way that they are profoundly changed.  The old them has died.  The person you knew and loved is gone.  
Sickness.  Those close to me know this already but I have been having health issues.  Digestive issues.  My routine blood work and tests came back normal but they want to me to try gluten free and lactose free to see if I may be sensitive.  So far this has not worked.  So now the doctor is thinking it is something more serious and therefore I am seeing a specialist in May.  A few things.  First of all going gluten free sucks.  A lot.  One book actually talked about the 5 stages of grief when dealing with gluten free.  And I know it sounds crazy especially in light of all the things I just mentioned, but seriously, its true.  It is so frustrating.  I am not big into cooking.  I mean I hate to admit it but usually during the work week its spaghetti, pizza, grilled cheese, tacos.  Nothing difficult.  Well.  No more.  Its hard, its inconvenient, its expensive...and it doesn't even seem to be the problem!  Secondly, I have to wait almost two months to see a specialist who is supposedly going to find out what is wrong with me.  Something that may be really bad.  In fact most options are pretty bad.  If you know me you know 1.  I am a certifiable hypochondriac.  WedMD is my biggest enemy.  2.  I have no patience.  So what is going through my head?  Well a lot can happen in two months...look what happened to Merri.  If I get in sooner could something be caught before it gets too serious?  What if it is something serious?  I don't want to miss out on my kids lives.  I don't want them to grow up without their mom.  I don't want to leave my husband.  I have seen what that does to a man.  I am so scared.  So scared.  I don't know how many times I have called the doctor trying to get them to say its probably nothing.  But they don't.  They just say my symptoms are very abnormal and I have to wait to see the specialist.  So scared.  I don't want to miss my boys games, dating, graduation, weddings, children.  I don't want to leave my husband behind.  And it is really hard to think positive with all of this horrible stuff happening to everyone around me.  It can happen to me too.  Fear.  Doubt.  Longing.  Fear.
So now that I have basically thrown up all the terribleness, the time for pain, for fear, the time for hate, the time for sickness, and death.  Guess what.  Out of all of this comes hope.  See that is the ironic thing about all the bad.  It brings about the good.  When part of your family is hurting, the rest of your family is there to support and love you.  The principle and woman I know with cancer...they are pillars of strength.  And they put others before themselves.  Hope.  Hope.  It was a blessing to see the amazing support that flowed out from the community, staff, students upon the deaths of those amazing students.  Even in their deaths they are still teaching us a way to live.  To love, to hope, to be the best you can be, to be nice.  Never give up.  The amount of people wearing lime green (Alyssa's favorite color) or the "Team Alyssa" teeshirts during the week of her passing was a voice all its own.  1,200 people showed up to Ryan's funeral.  1,200.  And they had to stream the funeral live for all of those who respectfully did not go to the funeral in order to make room for those close to him.  Hope.  Hope.  The strength of my staff members who were there for students and other staff.  For parents.  For each other.  Our administration, our secretaries, our crisis team.  I'm blessed and humbled to work with such strong amazing people.  
So what does this all mean?  What season is it?  Well I think it is clear it has been a season of pain.  But perhaps now its time for a season of waiting.  A season of hope.  After the winter comes spring.  After the night comes dawn.  While it is so easy to get caught up and lost in all the pain, perhaps we need to focus, perhaps I need to focus on the good, the blessing, the hope that comes out of these situations.  I think it is normal and healthy to cry out WHY? in this season.  But at the same time, as hard as it is, I think we....I think I need to learn how to ask the question but then learn to TRUST.  Trust God.  I might not get my answers.  I may never understand why God took Merri, Alyssa, Ryan, why cancer ever happened, why families are broken.  Why I suffer, why I have to watch those I love suffer.  Why I am COMPLETELY helpless.  But maybe that is the point.  I am completely helpless.  We all are.  God does have a plan...even if we are hurt and pissed off about what is happening.  God didn't promise that things would be easy, that we would understand.  But he did promise he had a beautiful plan for all of us.  Trust.  Hope.  Trust.  Hope.  Pray. Pray. Pray.  I have to remind myself of this every single day...often more than once.  So I choose that season....Trust...Hope...Healing...Peace...Faith.  Spring is coming.  Dawn is coming.  There is a time for everything.  A time to live and a time to die.  A time to speak up and a time to be quiet.  A time tear apart and a time to mend.  It is a time to mend, to heal, to hope, to pray, to trust.  We all may be a centipede....those shoes may keep falling...one after another...but it is God's promise that he will catch those shoes..and it is in the darkest times that we see how much grace, love, and hope we are made of.  And let me tell you....the people I am surrounded by are overflowing with grace, love, hope and strength. Family, friends, co-workers and students. I only hope I can bring the same.  Trust.  Hope.  Pray.  And hey....have a laugh.

Take care of your own grass.

I have been wanting to make a blog post on a few things for the last couple of weeks but I just couldn't find the words I wanted to say....I still really can't....but I am sick of thinking about it so here is goes.
I hate the term "The grass is greener on the other side".  Hate it.  Am I guilty of thinking that sometimes...maybe even often.  Of course.  But never the less....I hate it.  It comes from Satan, straight from the pit of Hell.  I mean what good purpose does that saying do for anyone?  I will tell you what it does.  It causes you to be discontent.  Unhappy.  Unworthy.  Ungrateful.  And many more "uns".  LIES LIES LIES people!  LIES LIES LIES Jenn!  See here is the thing.  I have a great life!  I have an amazing life.  I am so very very blessed.  A healthy family, a husband and two boys who are my whole world, a job I love, a warm home, and amazing family and friends.  So WHY do I still think....well maybe if I had this then my life would be a little better....or if I could just go on that vacation then everything would be a little better.....maybe if I had a newer car, bigger house, another baby, more money, look that that overly starved airbrushed model who never has any fun....I mean seriously the list could go on.  But at the same time I look at how blessed I am.  How can those two things exist at once.  Its ridiculous.  The grass is greener on the other side.  They have a bigger house, newer car, better body, a vacation....man they are lucky.  Guess what....they have problems too.  They think someone else's grass is greener too!  Surprise!  Have you ever just looked out your window at the cars driving by or the houses surrounding you and thought what their story is?  Well they have a story with the good the bad and the ugly....just like you.  No matter how green their grass is.  Life has its ups and downs.  Life has blessing and life has pain.  So what is the point of focusing on what you don't have?  What is the point of looking at others and thinking man if I only had what they had....well do you want their problems too?  I bet if you knew what "the greener grass people" are going through...or have been through maybe their grass would look a little less green to you.  Maybe you would even judge them.  Funny how one moment we covet...then we get a little more information and then we judge.  Here is another fact....maybe you know someone who seems to have "perfectly green lush grass"  they have never had a "weed".  Guess what.  THEY ARE LYING.  To everyone and maybe even to themselves.   I get no one wants to air their dirty laundry and that is ok.  I wouldn't.  But if you think for one minute anyone lives a perfect life you are doing them an injustice as well as yourself.  That is nothing but a breeding ground for greed, coveting, lust.  Now let me be clear...I do not think there is anything wrong with wanting bigger better things for your life.  A very wise friend once told me when you are feeling like everything is falling apart focus only on the blessings in your life.  It's great to work for bigger better things.  To dream.  But that doesn't mean you have to lose focus on the blessings you are currently have.  Work hard.  Go after your dreams.  But be content.  Relish in the blessings you have.  Because no matter how green someone's grass looks....they are looking at someone else's lawn too.  And that's just not a good way to live.  Which brings me to my next point....pain.  (Yes I know not the greatest transition)  Here we are in the dead of winter and I don't know about everyone else but I feel like I have been picked up and dropped right in the middle of a Robert Frost poem.  There is so much pain around me.  Everyday I am learning about someone I know going through terrible pain.  Cancer is popping up everywhere...family members, friends, KIDS IN MY SCHOOL.  Divorces.  Deaths.  Depression.  Job loss.  Home loss.  Broken families.  Suicide attempts.  It's coming from all angles.  Death, hate, death, hate.  So many people I know are hurting.  It is heart breaking.  And here is the thing that bothers me.  A lot of people use the coping mechanism of "well it could be worse".  Yes.  Absolutely.  It could always be worse.  BUT that doesn't mean what you are going through sucks any less.  I feel like people either submerge themselves in their pain (grass is always greener right?) or they feel they cannot feel their pain because "it could always be worse".  I am just as guilty.  I remember when I had my miscarriage a few year back I would tell myself...well it could be worse...I could have had a baby and the baby could have died.  In my mind yes that would be a whole lot worse.  But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have felt the pain I felt.  I do not like the idea of a "scale of pain".  Yes.  It could be worse.  But its ok that you are upset, mad, sad with your pain.  If you try to suppress your pain by comparing it to someone else's pain or something you imagine could be more worse you are not going to get through it.  You have to feel and process your own pain.  Accept what you are going through and face it head on.  You are right.  It may not be a worse case scenario.  But it is still a scenario.  You are entitled to feel pain.  Even if its not as bad as it could be.  Pain is pain.  And when you are in it, trying to justify it by comparing it to someone else is not going to help.  In fact it may make you resentful subconsciously.  You bury it because you feel bad that you are even considering being upset about your situation when you know about someone else who has it worse.  It festers.  And there is a flip side to this....you could be dealing with whatever it is you are dealing with and think....oh look at everyone else being all happy.  If they only knew what I am going through.  Well that's not fair either.  They DON'T know.  And it is not their fault that they don't know. It's not their fault. That will fester too.  It is unhealthy.  Again.  I am so guilty of all of these things and I am not proud of it.  So this post is a lot of me writing to me.  Do I think it's wrong to have the mind set of "it could be worse"?  Absolutely not.  It could be worse.  A lot worse.  But give yourself a break.  Because your pain matters too.  And give everyone else a break.  They may not understand what you are going through but they have pain too.  This brings me back to my very wise friend.  "When you are going through tough times, count the blessings in your life.  Literally.  Count your husband, your kids, your health".  Feel your pain.  Be grateful its not "worse".  But feel it.  And at the same time count those blessings.  Literally.  Even if the only thing you can come up with is the blessing of waking up and taking a breath each day.   It's a blessing.  Stop worrying about everyone else's grass.  Whether it is greener or it is weedier (yes I know that is not a word).  You have a problem with your lawn?  You have a problem with the tint of green your grass has?  Get out the hose...go by some fertilizer...and take care of your own grass.  Because in the end......it's your grass you have to live with.  Count your blessings.  Count every single one.  Feel your pain.  No matter how small you think it is.  Feel it, process it, learn from it.  Don't compare yourself.  Be blessed.  And take care of your own grass.

My Hott Date...My Husband:)

'Don't ever stop dating your wife.' and 'Don't ever stop flirting with your husband."  A quote said to a couple during their wedding ceremony.  In my opinion this is some of the best advice that could be given to a married couple.  
My parents have taught me many things.  How to walk and talk.  Manners.   How to study. How to drive. How to succeed.  How to laugh at myself.  How to be self sufficient.  How to overcome pain.  Respect.  Love.  Some of these things were taught through conversation.  But mainly these things were taught through action.  One thing I remember so vividly about my childhood was every single Friday night my parents would hire a babysitter so that they could to out on a date.  And I would get to watch T.G.I.F...you remember...Hanging with Mr. Cooper...Full House....even Family Matters and Step by Step.  But the point....every Friday...date night for Mr. and Mrs. LaFrenier.  That sticks out in my mind.
Now I realize plenty of people...Scott and I included cannot afford to hire a babysitter and go out every week.  But that doesn't change the fact that it is pivotal to a marriage to date each other...even if that means a glass of wine and a card game after the kids go to bed.
We all have so many roles.  Parent, employee, family member, church member, friend, spouse.  And I have learned over years of being all of those things...it can be easy to get lost in all the other roles besides spouse.  I am a working mom.  Monday through Friday usually goes like clock work....get up...get ready...get the kids ready...get the kids to school....go to work...come home..work out...pick up the kids...make dinner...clean up dinner...play with the kids....get lunches/clothes/backpacks ready for the next day...bath the kids...put the kids to bed...clean up the house...do a load of laundry...maybe watch a TV show...go to bed.  Not much spousal interaction there.  There is interaction between Scott and myself...but it's being parents.  My kids mean the world to me.  Being a mom is one of the most important roles I could have ever been blessed with.  But so is being a wife.  Being a woman.  And it is so easy to let those parts of me get lost in every day life.
Another quote I love so much is "The best way to love your children is to love their mother" (and I think that can go both ways...The best way you can love your children is to love their father).  Watching Scott with my kids as a father is one of the biggest reasons I love him and yes its a total turn on:)  But there is so much more to him as a man then just being a father.  And it is easy to forget that if we don't ever take the time to just be a couple.
Dating your spouse gives you a chance to reconnect as husband and wife, best friends, lovers separate from everything else.  It is so important to be partners through every role you play.  But is also important to just be husband and wife.  To rediscover each other as a man and woman apart from being parents, employees, friends, etc.  Of course you love each other.  But it is important to remember why you FELL IN LOVE.  There is a difference between loving your spouse and being IN love with your spouse.  And I think BOTH are equally important to having a successful marriage. 
Lets face it.  Life is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Marriage is hard.  I am not going to sit here and try and act like everything in my life is easy and perfect.  It's not.  There are plenty of days I feel like a failure as a mom, a failure at my job, failure as a friend, daughter, sister, a failure as a wife. There are days when I want to hug and kiss Scott until he is blue in the face and there are days I want to hit him upside the head....a lot.  Or just scream.   It is easy to get caught up in all the mistakes you make and let those define you. It is easy to focus on the mistakes and short comings of your spouse. But that is not what life is supposed to be about. That's not what marriage is about.  Marriage is about God, love, trust, respect, sex, laughs, mistakes, struggles, disagreements, pain, forgiveness, healing, strength, support, partnership, appreciation, and acceptance and pride in your spouse in every role they play.  It's about rejoicing in each other.
Ok I am getting off track.  Dating your spouse.  In my opinion it is one of the building blocks of a healthy marriage.  As I said before it gives you a chance to get away from everything else you are doing in life and just be a man and a woman who fell in love.  To rediscover why you fell in love, and to expand you capacity to love the changes from who you both were when you fell in love to the people you are now.  To fall deeper in love.  To remember that yes you are a parent, an employee, a family member...but underneath all of that you are a man and a woman.  Who fell in love.  A husband and wife.  It is so important to appreciate the simple maleness and femaleness of each other.
Don't stop dating.  Don't stop staying up all night every once in a while talking...about nothing.  Don't stop laughing together.  Don't stop rediscovering who you were and who you have become as a couple...and celebrating that.   Flirt with each other.  Flirt in front of your children.  Be affectionate in front of your children.  It is our job as parents to teach our children all the aspects of life.  Teach your children....by example...how to love and  BE IN LOVE.  Teach your children how to have a healthy marriage.
Date, flirt, embrace PDA!!!!  Remember who the person was you fell in love with....embrace the person they have become and be in love with that person.  Anticipate the person your spouse may become and be in love with that person.  Remember before the kids,  before the job, you were a couple.  Take the time to be a man and woman.  A husband and wife.  Love, laugh, respect, fight, struggle, cry, forgive, support, grow, date, flirt, be married.

Goodbye 2013 hello 2014!

After an extremely long time I have decided to get back into my blog....after all I started it to share and remember the good, the bad and the ugly because that's life, its what shapes us.  I have been so caught up in living life I haven't been taking these small time outs to remember and reflect, which isn't necessarily a bad thing....I mean life is meant to be lived.  But its also important to take time outs every once in a while.
I am not going to lie 2013 has had its fair share of laughs, love, beauty but it has also had pain, struggles, loss and heartbreak.  And don't even get me started on Dexter and Sons of Anarchy:)  But in all seriousness it has been a wonderful yet rough year.  And at the end of this year I am a different person then I was at the beginning of the year and my husband is a different person then he was at the beginning of the year.  But that's a good thing because people are always changing and I am lucky that we grow and change together through love.  I think the biggest lesson we have learned this year is no matter what God, family and friends are the most important things in life.  I know that sounds cliche and kind of like duh that's what is important everyone knows that.  And we have always believed that as well.  But throughout 2013 we have CONSTANTLY been reminded how important those things are and how easily they are taken for granted.  Love is not just a noun its a verb.  It is a way of life.  Its a lifestyle.  There is going to be pain and brokenness.  The people you love the most are going to hurt you at some point.  We are human.   But man you still love those people with everything you have.  Because you don't know how long you have.  And life is too short to be petty.  We are all going to make mistakes.  And we all learn to forgive. The people God has put in your life....the people God has BLESSED you with, cherish them.  Cherish them for who they are, who they were, and who they will become.  Love them for their goodness and their flaws because we all have them!  Change is unavoidable.  Adjust.  Love on.  I hope that when I am old and gray (which will never happen because I magically turn 25 every year!:) I can look back on my life and say that I loved with everything I had.  That I was able to always forgive others and keep loving them because they make my life worth living.  That I was able to forgive myself and love myself.  Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do.  I hope I can look back and be at peace with the woman I was in all my roles, wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend.  And I hope that I can look back and know all the people who matter to me know that I loved them.  That is what 2013 has taught me.
Ok so enough of the heavy!  A look back on 2013....
Happy New Year!!!!  You need a new furnace....ugh.  I must say it is more energy efficient though so that is a plus!  We lost Grandma Lucy this year.  She lived a long beautiful life and is very missed.  I gained a new brother in Dean and a new sister in Rachell!  Our family grew a lot when Dan and Lysa got married as well!  Welcome to the Stockwell family!  I got to be a best man...Congrates Collin and Anna!  Our friends Jayme and Danielle had their first baby, Anthony:)  Rachel and I ended our 5 year run as teacher and parapro together...that was a bummer.  But I love my new job, I get to work with some awesome people and I get to meet a lot more kids.  Scott had his last "in class" class for his masters so all he has to do is his project and he will have his masters degree!  Logan earned MVP on his baseball team and played his first year of football.  Gavin started preschool!  Time flies!  My little brother Tate got his black belt...bad ass!  Christine has a great job as a bank teller.  My brother Kevin got promoted to Major in the Marine Corps...also bad ass.  Rachell became a CNA.  I got to go to some pretty awesome concerts...Zac Brown Band and Trans Siberian Orchestra.  We got to take a party bus to see the Red Wings!  Derek, Rachell, Scott and I started a new tradition of having Sunday dinner together.  We got to see lots of family from out of town.  Like I said before...2013 brought a lot.  Good, bad and ugly.  But sitting here today I have an amazing husband and two amazing children who are healthy and happy.  I have an amazing family and awesome friends.  I have a job that I love.  So I look back on 2013 and I smile.  And here is to looking forward to 2014 and all the blessings a head.  Happy New Year everyone.