Anyone who knows me knows 30 was not a welcomed birthday. I know I know its silly. But the idea of not being in my 20s anymore was not something I handled well. I was all thinking I'm not young anymore blah blah blah. It was like having a midlife crisis yet I was far from midlife. And I don't know why that was...but I have a few ideas. I was a young mom. Now let me be clear. I was experiencing my own story. I was living first smiles, laughs, roll overs, steps. All things I never would trade for all the 20 something experiences I could have had. I have no regrets about having a child young and being a young mom. It was amazing and I wouldn't change a thing if I could turn the clock back. But somehow when facing 30 I felt like I missed out on something. And I feel really guilty about feeling that way.
It is said you cannot change the past. You can only look forward. Thank God for that! Literally. Again I am not saying I regret my past but I do regret wasting some of the beautiful time I was given because I was too wrapped up in something else. Cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, worrying.
Thank God for giving us a future. Because where I stand I am not sure I did the best I could in my last 30 years. I made a lot of mistakes. I was selfish, self centered, ignorant and at some points a spoiled brat. But the good news is I have tomorrow, and the next day, week, years.
So here is the thing....I worry...about everything...from what I say, to how I act, to something bad happening, to having a health issue. But at the end of the day IT DOESN'T MATTER. I am not in control.
I have spent so much of my life trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be. Trying to live up to pleasing people. Trying to fit into their mold. And worrying. Waiting for the next shoe to drop. In my next 30 years...No more! (Yeah I know easier said then done)
At church today the pastor asked "what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life?"
Unfortunately I have done things I am not proud of. We all have. I have been selfish. I have been unkind. I have been more frustrated about things I shouldn't have. I have been judgmental. I have worried, worried, worried. About everything. I worry I'm not doing everything I can as a wife or a mom. Goodness I go to bed some nights feeling like a failure as a mom. Maybe I am not alone it this (I am really hoping I am not! LOL) But I have to constantly remind myself that I am not a friend I am a parent. And that can be really hard. Really hard. I feel like I am always disciplining and while I know it's an important part of raising kids...maybe I need to pick my battles a little bit more often. I have two amazing kids. I don't know about the rest of you moms but sometimes I feel like I take my kids for granted. Like I am missing out on them being little. Maybe that is because I know they are only going to be little for so long and there is nothing I can do to stop it. But if feel like too often I am saying no to games because I have to do the dishes, the laundry, grocery shop, dust, vacuum. Come on....that can't be all being a mom is about? I need to take a moment and just stop and really see my children because they are my everything. They are everything that matters. A simple game of Sorry means everything to them....and I have been too wrapped up in other things to see that I should be paying more attention to those little things my children love...they don't care if the sink and dishes are clean...they don't care about dust and vacuuming....that is all me.
It is time to stop worrying. So many people have told me worry is pointless because it doesn't change anything. I am aware. I do not wake up every morning thinking...gee how am I going to worry myself out of my mind today. I don't want to worry! I don't choose worry. I have spent way too much time believing worry chooses me. For example... Two years ago I had a miscarriage. Scott and I want to extend our family now. I am terrified. I cannot go through that again. But see here is the thing. It is not in my control. I know that in my head. But my heart well that is an entirely different story. I need to just put all of it in God's hands. Its already there anyway (thank goodness), I just need to trust it. Trust Him.
Since May 19 and I turned the "dreaded" 30 I wanted to put my feelings into words. But I didn't quite know what I was feeling or how to say it. It wasn't until church this morning, it wasn't until I was asked "what are you going to to with this ONE wild and precious life?" that I figured it out! I want to live an even more beautiful amazing life then I had in the past.
It is time to just be me. To be confident. To stop worrying about every little thing I think, say or do. To stop worrying. To STOP WORRYING. I am who I am and my life is in God's hands. I need to embrace that. And I need to stop letting everything else get in the way.
My next 30 years? How am I going to spend this ONE wild and precious life. I choose to be happy. To trust God more I choose to love, give, be the best mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter I can be. It is time to stop worrying about the household chores and take a time out to play a game of yahtzee with the kids. It is harder said then done. I am going to screw up. That's life. I am not perfect. And I never will be. It is time to accept that everyone else can love me for the flawed person I am just like I love people for the flawed people they are. It is time to embrace that I have a lot to offer. I have a big heart. I love people. I want only good for those I love.So how am I going to live my one wild precious life? Well for starters I am going to start living for others rather then myself.
What am I going to do with this ONE wild and precious life? I am going to love, forgive, and accept. I am going to keep my husband and children the center of my life. I am going to put away the cleaning solution and vacuum and play some yahtzee. I am going to get off web md and get on my praying knees. I am going to stop judging myself, stop second guessing, STOP WORRYING. God gave me this amazing beautiful life. I need to trust Him with me. With my life. With my marriage. My kids. I am going to laugh more often, To say yes. It is time to start living one of my favorite quotes "Be who you are and say how you feel. Because those who mind don't matter....and those who matter don't mind" Or in one of my favorite comedies "We're the Millers" terms..."you do you". :) Love, laugh, mess up, forgive others, forgive yourself, trust, learn, live. Grow up...but don't lose your youth. You do you. Be blessed.
