Back in May, Memorial Day to be exact Scott and I we overjoyed to find out we were pregnant. I even came up with a cute little way to tell Scott by mailing him a save the date from the baby with what I thought was the due date. Seeing the look in your husbands eyes when you tell him you are pregnant is an amazing feeling. I also got to share the news with my mom, sister and grandma as my mom, sister and I went to Chicago that weekend and my grandma was watching the boys. While in Chicago I called my dad and my brothers. We also told Kyle and Derek. I also called my closest girlfriends, Brenda, Emily, Molly and Rachel. And we couldn't wait for Dan to get back from Africa to share our news with him. I also told Luke. And as a graduation surprise my friend Collin. We wanted to be cautious about how many people we told due to risks but we had to tell our family and closest friends. Any of you who know me know my I wear my heart on my sleeve and I was simply overjoyed.
With any pregnancy comes risk and right from the beginning while I was so excited I was reluctant because right from the start things we not going normal. I had about a week of spotting, which can be normal, but it was not for me. That did not happen with either of the boys. Because of this the doctor wanted to do an ultrasound. (Around what was believed to be 5 weeks) When he did he did not see much of anything which he really wasn't anticipating so he ordered blood tests for HCG levels. At this point the levels were doubling as they were supposed to but they were still a bit low for as far along as I thought I was. At this point he thought I was just 4 weeks. I went back to the doctor a week later for another ultrasound to see if their had been any growth and their had. A yok sac was beginning to form which was a good sign. However I thought I would be 7 weeks at this point and this ultrasound put me back at just shy of 6 weeks. He also ordered another HCG reading, which came back at what the doctor said was normal but for any of you know who how HCG levels are supposed to work they are supposed to double ever two-three days, and the number I was at was not as high as it should be at even doubling it every 3 days. Which was kind of discouraging. But I tried to keep a positive attitude, their was growth, and the doctor said the number was fine. So at this point we went off on our trip to Maryland and had a great time. When we got back I had another ultrasound and this time we got to see the heartbeat! 145 beats per minute. It was such an amazing moment and a relief because despite all the bumps in the road the our little baby seemed to be growing at healthy rate. At this point I thought I was 8 weeks. I had just hit the wall of morning sickness as well as fatigue. But based on the measurements the doctor was able to get the baby appeared to only be 7 weeks. Which I found very hard to believe because that would have put me at conceiving the day I tool my first positive pregnancy test. While it bothered me and I felt something was off I rejoiced in the fact that their was growth and a heartbeat. We even got a picture of our little guy or gal. Because your risk of miscarriage goes down so much when you see a heartbeat we decided to tell Logan. He was so excited, he leaned over and kissed my belly. He loved to touch my belly. And talk about how he and Gavin were going to be great big brothers. Every night he prayed for safety for me and the baby.
Three weeks later we had our "first" prenatal visit. At this point I was supposedly only ten weeks and the doctor warned me it would be difficult to hear a heartbeat. But I had also had a little cramping and spotting so when he could not find the heartbeat on the Doppler which is common he did an ultrasound just to make sure everything was OK. So there I was, lying on the table, Scott was watching the screen, and I was searching everyone's faces for some indication of what was going on. After about 5 minutes the doctor turned to me and said "Jennifer I am afraid I have difficult news. Based on these measurements the baby is still only between 7 and 8 weeks, and there is no heart beat." I cannot fully explain what I went through in those next 15 minutes. I remember the first thing I did was cry, Scott came over and held my hand. The doctor continued to use the ultrasound, which was an internal ultrasound to try to find the source of the miscarriage. He as doing a lot of talking and I remember I just wanted him to take the the probe out. He said growth appeared to stop at 7 or 8 weeks. I didn't understand. I was still feeling symptoms although they were starting to go away which I had mostly just attributed to being further along but at the same time I wondered if something was wrong because it was early for symptoms to be slowing down based on my other pregnancies. A back thought I think any woman might have.. Plus you never this will happen to you. Especially not this late, if I hadn't had that ultrasound I wouldn't have even known. So the doctor talked to us for another 15 minutes. I wasn't really listening. He said there was nothing I could of done to prevent this, he said in these situations it is always something that went wrong with chromosomes making life not viable. Most commonly Turners Syndrome. But they wouldn't be able to test my baby because the he or she died two weeks prior and the tissue was no longer viable. In my head I know I couldn't have done anything different. But in my heart I blame myself, which I am sure most women can relate to, and I understand that feeling will go away at least I hope it does. After the doctor finished talking about all that we had to discuss what to do. Because of the fact that it had already been two weeks and it can take a body up to six weeks to naturally miscarry, carrying more and more risk of infection and hemorrhaging he strongly recommending a D & C. This is a surgery where the doctor dilates me and flushes out any tissue and my baby. My response to this was is their any chance that ultrasound was wrong, and as gently as he could he said no, if he thought there was any chance he would got second opinions. Scott too told me he saw what the doctor saw and our baby had died. So I agreed to the D & C. Yes there are risks such as hemorrhaging, scaring, emegancy hysterectomy as well as the risks that come with any surgery. But if we continued to wait the risk of hemorrhaging, infection and possible hysterectomy grew stronger each day. This is very hard and personal choice. Only one you can make for yourself. And it is very hard and very sad and I wouldn't wish that on anyone even though I know it happens so often.
I don't really remember much about leaving the office. I remember texting everyone who knew I was pregnant to let them know what happened. I didn't respond to most, I just couldn't. But I felt the overwhelming response of support immediately. And at that point I was more concerned about making sure Scott was ok and I was afraid to tell Logan. Right away when we got home Logan knew something was wrong because I had been crying. He asked me if he baby died. So we sat him down and said that yes the baby had died but that he or she was in heaven now. He laid his head down on the table and cried. I took him into my arms, cried with him and told him that sometimes these things happen and no one knows why but we told him the baby was in Heaven with Jesus and Grandma Merri was going to take good care of him or her and we would get to me him or her someday. He was mostly upset because he wanted to know if he would still get a baby brother or sister and we explained that in time God would bless us again with a baby, whether that be in mommies tummy or through adoption. Thankfully he understood this and was able to smile again. One of my biggest regrets was telling him too early, to have him go through that pain. That is something I will do different next time.
All of this happened on Thursday. Which also happened to be Scott's birthday. I was heartbroken beyond belief at the situation but even more so that it had to happen this day. Scott and I spent a lot of time crying together. Talking through things. There are so many things to think about. What to do with the baby if the miscarriage were to happen at home. Neither on of us wanted to flush it down the toilet, the thought of our baby in the sewer was too much. So we just prayed that I would make it until Monday.
The weekend was extremely hard. One minute I would be OK the next I would just cry. Our due date was February 14. I'm not sure I will ever want to celebrate Valentines day again. My husband was absolutely amazing for me during this entire situation. Every time he saw me cry his arms were around me. He would reassure me that God has a plan and that we would have a baby someday. He would pray with me. And I tried to be there for him too. I wanted him to find peace, I wanted him to stop hurting. We agreed that after the surgery on Monday it was going to be a time to start healing.
I don't remember much about Monday morning. I got up, showered and we had to leave for the hospital. I remember the nurses talking to me and asking me questions which I tried to answer but Scott had to answer most for me. I was in a daze. I was about to undergo a surgery that would remove our baby. And even though I understood the baby was no longer alive it did not change how I felt. The nurses were very kind. The doctor came in to talk to us briefly. I wanted to know what would happen to the baby. He said it would be sent to pathology and taken care of like any medical waste. That pissed me off. Its a baby not medical waste. I know he has to be straight forward with me. But the term medical waste is not acceptable. He said it would be incinerated. Scott and I discussed what we would do if it they would do anything other then incinerate. If they were going to just throw it away we would ask for the baby to perhaps bury...we didn't even know but we knew our baby did not belong in the trash. But we agreed if burning was what they did then that is the closest to cremation we could get and that is they way we wanted to go.
At this point it was time to go to surgery. Scott and I told each other we loved each other. He held my hand until I was out of the room. Once I was in the O.R. things went fast. I wasn't in there more then five minutes before they put me under.
When I awoke in the recovery room the first thing I wanted was Scott, but evidently he was allowed in there. Then I asked to see my baby and they said that it was just tissue and there wasn't anything to see. While heartbreaking I understood. I just wanted to get back to my room with Scott. As soon as I saw Scott I felt a sense of relief. While I understand the emotional healing will take a while for both of us we were going to get thought it together,with God and be stronger. The hardest part physically and maybe emotionally was over, but only time will tell.
When we got home it was so good to see my boys. When something like this happens it really makes your take a step back at look at the amazing things you do have in your life. My boys are amazing. My husband is amazing. And God will get us through this. It hurts like hell. The emotional pain can be unbearable at times. But like Scott and I said this is the start of a healing time. And while we wish our baby could be with us we know he or she is in Heaven with Jesus, and of course Grandma Merri who is going get to hold a grandchild again and she is going to take such good care of him or her. Now its just time for Scott and I to trust God's plan and trust he will bless us again. Please click the link below for a song we dedicate to our little one.
