"1. There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven. 2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to rebuild. 4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6 A time to search and a time to lose. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak up. 8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8.
Seasons. Its why we live in Michigan right? I am not going to lie. I am hating this season right now. HATE. Not just the actual season of winter and its seemingly endlessness....its got us in is dead cold clutches. But the season of pain. I feel like right now, not only for me but for the people around me we are stuck in the time to tear down, the time to throw away, the time to turn away, the time to be quiet, to hate, to cry, to die. A season of fear, questioning, longing. Stress. Frustration. Anger. Betrayal. I know it sounds like something straight out of Macbeth. But seriously...it just keeps coming. One thing after the other. Whoever came up with the phrase "waiting for the other shoe to drop" didn't realize the thing wearing the shoes might be a centipede because man the shoes keep on dropping. And it is exhausting. Emotionally, mentally and physically. Let me give you a little background.
Last week two high school students passed away from Grandville high school. It was tragic. Both of these students were amazing individuals. A 15 year old girl who battled cancer and instead of sitting back and letting the cancer control her she stood up against it. She used her experience to bring hope to others. Four days before she died of an infection she was at one of our elementary schools talking about her cancer, her fight and her hope. Giving hope to everyone around her. The loss of Alyssa hit the community hard. Then later in the week Ryan Fischer, a bright, loving student passed away in his sleep from an enlarged heart. He was the captain of the varsity hockey team and football team. He was going to go to West Point. His death came as a shock and it rocked the community once again. I cannot even imagine what the family and friends of these students are going through. I cannot imagine losing one of my children. Both funerals were held this week. You could feel the fog of sadness hanging over the community, over all the students and staff. It was heartbreaking to see the students dressed up on Wednesday and knowing they were attending the second funeral of a peer that week. It is just unfathomable to me.
Cancer. There are so many people I "know" battling cancer...some for the second time. The principle of our high school was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. This also came as a shock. He is an amazing man. He is young. He has young kids. He was a mentor to Scott both as a student and as a future teacher. He has a huge heart and has such dedication to his staff and students. An awesome woman I see frequently in our building subbing for paras or for secretaries recently found out her cancer is back...after only six months of being in remission. She is an individual who is always so positive and has a smile on her face. A 7th grade student in our school was just diagnosed with a cancer so rare she is the first person her gender, ethnicity and age in the entire country to contract this cancer. Alyssa, the 15 year old girl who passed last week fought cancer, went into remission last year, and then relapsed just a couple of months ago. I can't imagine the fear these people must be experiencing. They have spouses, kids, the middle school student hasn't even had a chance to really live yet...Alyssa never got to go to collage, get married, have kids. Cancer causes so much pain.
Family. Family can be the biggest blessing as well as the biggest challenge. After all...those who are closest to you are the ones who can hurt you the most. Betrayal, disappointment, emptiness, grief. Divorce. Pain people cannot get past, cannot forget, cannot forgive. I am not going to go in depth about these issues but let me just say my husband and I have learned that physically leaving this earth is not the only way someone can die. Life can affect people in such a way that they are profoundly changed. The old them has died. The person you knew and loved is gone.
Sickness. Those close to me know this already but I have been having health issues. Digestive issues. My routine blood work and tests came back normal but they want to me to try gluten free and lactose free to see if I may be sensitive. So far this has not worked. So now the doctor is thinking it is something more serious and therefore I am seeing a specialist in May. A few things. First of all going gluten free sucks. A lot. One book actually talked about the 5 stages of grief when dealing with gluten free. And I know it sounds crazy especially in light of all the things I just mentioned, but seriously, its true. It is so frustrating. I am not big into cooking. I mean I hate to admit it but usually during the work week its spaghetti, pizza, grilled cheese, tacos. Nothing difficult. Well. No more. Its hard, its inconvenient, its expensive...and it doesn't even seem to be the problem! Secondly, I have to wait almost two months to see a specialist who is supposedly going to find out what is wrong with me. Something that may be really bad. In fact most options are pretty bad. If you know me you know 1. I am a certifiable hypochondriac. WedMD is my biggest enemy. 2. I have no patience. So what is going through my head? Well a lot can happen in two months...look what happened to Merri. If I get in sooner could something be caught before it gets too serious? What if it is something serious? I don't want to miss out on my kids lives. I don't want them to grow up without their mom. I don't want to leave my husband. I have seen what that does to a man. I am so scared. So scared. I don't know how many times I have called the doctor trying to get them to say its probably nothing. But they don't. They just say my symptoms are very abnormal and I have to wait to see the specialist. So scared. I don't want to miss my boys games, dating, graduation, weddings, children. I don't want to leave my husband behind. And it is really hard to think positive with all of this horrible stuff happening to everyone around me. It can happen to me too. Fear. Doubt. Longing. Fear.
So now that I have basically thrown up all the terribleness, the time for pain, for fear, the time for hate, the time for sickness, and death. Guess what. Out of all of this comes hope. See that is the ironic thing about all the bad. It brings about the good. When part of your family is hurting, the rest of your family is there to support and love you. The principle and woman I know with cancer...they are pillars of strength. And they put others before themselves. Hope. Hope. It was a blessing to see the amazing support that flowed out from the community, staff, students upon the deaths of those amazing students. Even in their deaths they are still teaching us a way to live. To love, to hope, to be the best you can be, to be nice. Never give up. The amount of people wearing lime green (Alyssa's favorite color) or the "Team Alyssa" teeshirts during the week of her passing was a voice all its own. 1,200 people showed up to Ryan's funeral. 1,200. And they had to stream the funeral live for all of those who respectfully did not go to the funeral in order to make room for those close to him. Hope. Hope. The strength of my staff members who were there for students and other staff. For parents. For each other. Our administration, our secretaries, our crisis team. I'm blessed and humbled to work with such strong amazing people.
So what does this all mean? What season is it? Well I think it is clear it has been a season of pain. But perhaps now its time for a season of waiting. A season of hope. After the winter comes spring. After the night comes dawn. While it is so easy to get caught up and lost in all the pain, perhaps we need to focus, perhaps I need to focus on the good, the blessing, the hope that comes out of these situations. I think it is normal and healthy to cry out WHY? in this season. But at the same time, as hard as it is, I think we....I think I need to learn how to ask the question but then learn to TRUST. Trust God. I might not get my answers. I may never understand why God took Merri, Alyssa, Ryan, why cancer ever happened, why families are broken. Why I suffer, why I have to watch those I love suffer. Why I am COMPLETELY helpless. But maybe that is the point. I am completely helpless. We all are. God does have a plan...even if we are hurt and pissed off about what is happening. God didn't promise that things would be easy, that we would understand. But he did promise he had a beautiful plan for all of us. Trust. Hope. Trust. Hope. Pray. Pray. Pray. I have to remind myself of this every single day...often more than once. So I choose that season....Trust...Hope...Healing...Peace...Faith. Spring is coming. Dawn is coming. There is a time for everything. A time to live and a time to die. A time to speak up and a time to be quiet. A time tear apart and a time to mend. It is a time to mend, to heal, to hope, to pray, to trust. We all may be a centipede....those shoes may keep falling...one after another...but it is God's promise that he will catch those shoes..and it is in the darkest times that we see how much grace, love, and hope we are made of. And let me tell you....the people I am surrounded by are overflowing with grace, love, hope and strength. Family, friends, co-workers and students. I only hope I can bring the same. Trust. Hope. Pray. And hey....have a laugh.
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